It isn't just drag parents that drop the ball, either. Often, an up and coming performer will approach a veteran and ask to be helped. Then they'll find someone they either a) like better, or b) see have more titles than you, and drop you like a hot potato so they can have a better name.
I've seen queens do that more than kings, however. Mainly because kings aren't too concerned with passing their name down. Queens, however, seem to either change their name, hyphenate their name or create some sort of mash up that reflects who their drag mother is. I'm not sure if this is the mom's idea or the daughter, or if it's just a tradition. Either way, kings don't really care. For the most part.
There's always a certain sense of pride involved in having someone come to you for help, and then watching them grow with your guidence. I've always been more selective about who I choose to actually call my "drag son." Because the second you refer to someone as that there are certain expectations that come along. First off, that person needs to understand that from now on, if they advertise the fact that they're my drag son they now represent me as well as themselves whenever they're out and about. For many of us, our drag family ends up more like family to us than our REAL family. This is the case for me. So I take pride and great care when someone wants my help, but I expect them to treat the relationship with the same pride and care. There are reasons why we do what we do, and there are reasons why we give the advice we give. The way I see it, you came to me for a reason, right?
There are certain things I have little to no tolerance for when it comes to helping new drag kings:
- Ego. Do not think you are the hottest thing to hit the drag scene just because you did ONE show. Ego can make or break you in this business. You are still learning. It took us veterans a while to get where we are.
- Trash talk. DO NOT trash talk another king, queen, or their respective families. Especially if you're having issues with the above. It makes you look bad, it makes your drag parent look bad, and makes people not want to be around you. Don't be a douche bag.
- Not listening. You came to me, you asked for advice... then you turn around and completely ignore it. Oops! Haven't booked any shows lately? Funny how that happens. And trust me, we, as drag parents, have nothing to do with that. That was your own ego, thinking you know more than us (drag parents collectively), that just kicked you back to the starting line. If we suggest something, there's a reason for it.
- Disrespecting your family. This is probably the most important. You made the choice to be a part of this family, I made the choice to bring you in. There is an element of trust that must be present or the relationship will never work. This means no backstabbing, backbiting, using me to get to someone else, etc. If I decide to call you family, that's exactly what you are to me. Break that trust, and it's gone for good.
I had a drag son. When he first came to me, I gave him the run down of the above, and also told him that I wanted to see him be the best performer he could be, and that meant I'd like him to be ready when he hit the stage for the first time. I wanted him to be an individual, not a mini me and not like every other drag king that was emerging in town. He agreed, so I took him under my wing. I took him to Albuquerque, in fact. He'd only performed a few times in Phoenix, and when the opportunity arose, I thought it'd be a great experience for him. It must have been because immediately after he proceeded to break the first and third of the above mentioned pet peeves. I stepped back until he realised that his behaviour was getting him no where. He then came back, apologised, and started listening. Then, lo and behold, he began booking shows, won a 1st alternate title, went to Nationals, etc.
Unfortunately, before Nationals, he broke the most important "rule." He disrespected me and this family in the worst possible way. The poor naive kid still (according to others) has no idea that he did anything wrong and he doesn't "see it that way." Now, he's flaky, no-call no-show-ing at shows, bailing at the last minute, and letting his ego get the better of him. I no longer consider him part of my family, and I never will again. But I have legitimate reasons for that.
Drag families have all the BS, drama, strained relationships and dysfunction that "normal" families do. Moreso, I think, because in birth families it's pretty much kept in the family. With drag families, it spreads out into the community like a toxic fog. All the BS, drama, dysfunction and strained relationships will help fuel the rumour-mongers and trash-talking within the community. I think generally the kings and queens stay pretty separated in this aspect. I know very little of what goes on with the queens. Only when I happen to be performing with one and notice that she's gone through her 4th name change in 6 months do I find out that they're no longer speaking to their former drag family. I couldn't keep track if I wanted to! I'd be like my father, who refuses to write my address in his address book in pen because he knows in 6 months it will most likely change. There are no secrets with the kings, however. Everyone knows everyone else's business. Or at least they think they do. But that's another drog for another time.
Despite all the dysfunction that comes with any family, I love those in my chosen family. We have all helped each other grow and become better people and performers. My brothers and sisterzz are some of the best people I know. And they know that I don't use the terms "family" or "brother" lightly, so when I call you brother, I mean it. Granted, my family has shrunk as of late, but that was their decision, not mine. And it goes along with weeding out all the toxicity in my life.