This drog is going to take a look back at last year, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Last year started off rough. There’s no other way to look at it. January saw my three year relationship fall apart, aided in part by the actions of people I thought had my back and cared about me. It’s rough when you suddenly realize just how selfish some people are and that they will walk all over anyone, even those they consider family, if it will serve their own needs. I had to deal with certain members of the community and their efforts to make sure my name was dragged through the mud at any and all costs. And while all this was going on, I still had to prepare for the Mr Phoenix Pride pageant that was happening in February.
I admittedly spent the majority of the first half of 2010 in a depression-filled haze. I vaguely remember getting up and going to work. I functioned, but barely. People will still bring up conversations I supposedly had with them that I have absolutely no recollection of. From February until about June, I only performed a few times; once at Pride and then at the Sisterzz Twisted show in May. I flew under the radar, and yet still heard through the grapevine that people were STILL finding things to talk about. I guess I should be flattered. I can disappear for six months, yet people are still obsessed enough with me that they will go out of their way to talk about me.
When Pride came around in April, it was my first public appearance since the pageant. I hadn’t spoken to most people in weeks, and no one had really seen me. I was actually contemplating backing out of performing at Pride, the thought of seeing people gave me the worst anxiety. But instead of backing out, I decided I’d do my one number, blow peoples’ minds and the leave. So that’s what I did. I stepped out of my box, did a number that no one was expecting, and left with everyone going “What the hell was that??” Being in that tent with all those who had turned their backs on me was rough, to put it mildly. It was stupid and juvenile and it blew my mind the way people were behaving. It just reinforced my wanting to stay out of the scene for a while.
For the next couple months I just tried to keep my life on track. I found friends and acceptance in a new scene. Little did I realize that later this would come back to bite me in the ass. How this shit always manages to find me, I don’t know. Even a friend, just recently, said something to attest to that. I don’t even have to do anything or go anywhere and shit finds me. It’s ridiculous. But at the time, it was great. I was meeting new people, which helped distract me from all the other crap I was dealing with. It was nice and a much needed distraction.
May seemed to be the point where I was finally able to function properly again. I was in a better mood, I was laughing again and I was getting the urge to perform again. I knew I was feeling better when I began to get close to a friend again, and then that friend decided to stop talking to me because she was thinking with what was between her legs and what a group of rather toxic people were saying rather than common sense, and I essentially told her she could go to hell and that I was done with her. That may sound harsh, but it meant I was healing and wasn’t willing to be a doormat for this person anymore.
Through this whole period, I don’t really know what kind of support there was out there for me. I didn’t really care to find out. I had one person in my corner who I knew was never going to stab me in the back or do me dirty. That was all I needed. This person got me through one of the roughest periods of my life, and I couldn’t ask for a better friend. This person was my rock and kept me sane. She saw me at my worst, which is not something a lot of people can say, I usually put on a good face in public, and a lot of times even in private.
Anyway… May… This is where I started to “wake up” as it were. I hated my job and a good chunk of the people I worked with, including my boss. But suddenly began to take notice of things, and people, around me. I was beginning to enjoy life, and the people in it, again. I performed once in June, then not again until July. Come July, I discovered a new bar with new, fantastic people, and no drama. So this is where I decided to make my niche for the time being. I never had to worry about who I’d see there or what they would have to say after the fact. The queens that perform there and run the shows aren’t petty or catty, and both they and the bar owner and staff made me feel welcome. It was that bar and those people who made me want to bring Freddy back out into public. After I did that, things started falling back into place. For the most part.
By July I’d found myself attracted to someone, who, in being attracted to her, broke SO many of my rules. So I made sure that my attraction was suppressed. My motto at the time was “deny, deny, deny!” There were a lot of reasons why I needed to not admit that there was an attraction there. By August, it was apparent that the attraction was mutual. Life began looking better than ever. Freddy was making a come-back, there was a potential for a great relationship on the horizon (despite the rules I was breaking), I had some great new friends and I was starting to reconnect with old ones.
But of course with me, the good times never last. At least they didn’t in 2010. There was always some gremlin lurking in the shadows. In this case, the gremlin was jealousy, pure and simple. Jealousy over the fact that I was happy while others were still stuck in the misery they’d created for themselves. Jealousy over the fact that I’d chosen someone else over them, even though they were never an option in my eyes. Jealousy that made someone I considered to be a great friend do the one thing that is unforgivable in my eyes, and if you know anything about me or my past you’ll understand why… they stuck their nose in where it didn’t belong, butted into my relationship and did what they could to ruin it, including spreading false rumours, making my girlfriend doubt me and generally making a mess of things. These are ugly, hateful little people who can’t stand to see anyone happy when they themselves are miserable. This whole situation came out of left field for me, and really made me think about why I have so many trust issues. But, we persevered, which I’m sure drove those who were trying to disrupt everything nuts, and now we’re better and stronger for it.
I decided, after the auditions for Sisterzz Twisted, not to be in the next show. Yes, my reasons were purely personal, but I believe they weren’t unfounded. I feel like someone who had already burned every other bridge in town, through various pathetic actions, had nowhere else to go, so she decided to weasel her way into the one thing that I considered mine, that was never “ours,” for purely selfish reasons. So, rather than subject myself and everyone else, to my being miserable during months of rehearsals I withdrew from the show. I got quite a bit of unjust backlash, some of which I still feel like I’m experiencing on occasion, but it was a decision I had to make.
And then, I was approached about running for a prelim for the Mr Pride pageant. At the time, I had no desire to run for any pageant again, be it a bar title, nationally recognized pageant, pride or any other title. Especially after last year’s fiasco. Freddy was back on the scene, and I was enjoying performing again. The last thing I wanted was to end up in the same position I was last year, in a state of mind where I pretty much hated all things drag. After discussing it with a few people, I decided what the hell, and ran for a prelim. Seeing my competition, I honestly didn’t expect to win, but here I am. Back in the running for Mr Phoenix Pride. Again.
By the end of 2010, things had improved considerably from the beginning of the year. By Christmas, Freddy was back in full swing and loving life. I had a new job that was 100 times better than my old job, I was in an amazing relationship with an amazing woman, and despite dealing with Pneumonia and gall stones, things were better than they’d been since… I can’t remember when. I am living proof that things can always get better, even when you are so down you can barely get out of bed and be a functioning member of society. I’m excited about drag again, I’m even excited about the pageant, because win or lose, I intend to get out there and kick some ass. Life, by new year’s eve, was better than I could have imagined. And definitely better than I what I thought it would be at the beginning of 2010.
So now, in 2011, Freddy is back, with a vengeance. So watch out! I’m busting out of the gate, and I’m not holding back. The sky’s the limit at this point!